If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
