i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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