she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
