Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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