Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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