so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
