11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
