have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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