My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
