wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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