you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
