it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
