Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
