When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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