Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
