he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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