My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
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