Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
