Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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