I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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