I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
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