Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
