I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
