Moan for me like Helen Keller
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize