I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
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My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
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He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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