my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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