I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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