now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
