girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
