youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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