is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
