your parents love me but you hate me
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
