I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
