I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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