Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
