Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
