I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Who died my cat blue again?
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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