Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
