I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
