chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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