I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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