just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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