We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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