Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
