Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
you're hired as official boob wrangler
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
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