im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
