his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I need to align my fucking chakras
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
