My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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