I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
