He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
