You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
