Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I wear drunk well.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
