It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
